how to win friends and influence people: a reflection on leadership

    Dale didn’t need much. He never did. He just needed to change his name from Dale Carnagey to Dale Carnegie and change Americans from speaking their minds to minding their speaking. Little tweaks, that’s what he was all about. Little tweaks making a big difference. This one man teaching such simple things, had everyone in America obediently listening. That Dale Carnegie... this was the man who wrote the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” And this was the book that “sold more than 30 million copies and continues to be a bestseller” worldwide (Garner, 2011). The 80-year-old book hailed as “a paean to integrity, good humor and warmth in the name of amicable capitalism” (Garner, 2011). That little book of his has continued to shape the way of life for the world’s biggest and most successful leaders.

    Born Dale Carnagey on November 24, 1888, he was raised by his parents on a very unlucky farm in Maryville, Missouri, where no crop or livestock ever flourished. However, like I said before, Carnegie didn’t need much. He may have been poor and “unskilled in athletics but learned that he could still make friends and earn respect because he had a way with words” (Biography.com Editors, 2019). Carnegie started developing his oratory skills on his high school’s debate team and continued to refine those skills in 1906, attending State Teachers College where he won many intercollegiate public speaking competitions. After graduating two years later, he spent the next few years trying on many different hats and living many different lives (cue the montage)... he was a salesperson, a starving actor, a U.S. Army Veteran, Lowell Thomas’ globetrotting business manager and finally, he settled into the role as a public speaking teacher for business people at the YMCA in New York. His successful class was accompanied by his first book in 1913, “Public Speaking and Influencing Men of Business.” The poor farm boy from long ago is now a prosperous, confident and ambitious man who in 1916, revises the spelling of his old Carnagey last name to Carnegie, becoming purposely confused with Andrew Canegie, the richest and most successful man in the United States at the time. “A brilliant, if perhaps somewhat disingenuous business tactic, the new spelling made people associate his classes and books with the storied Carnegie family, to whom he bore no relation” (Biography.com Editors, 2019). 

The year is now 1936 and Carnegia believes “that the most successful business people in any given industry were not those with the most technical know-how, but rather those with the best people skills” (Biography.com Editors, 2019). This was the year “How to Win Friends and Influence People” took its first breath and that’s all it needed to take on a life of its own. Millions of books were sold; millions of books are still being sold. This is a good example of how that “cha-ching” sound never gets old. The Dale Carnegie Institute taught students effective public speaking as well as social and communication skills. His institute “exploded in popularity” and “expanded into 750 American cities as well as 15 foreign countries” (Biography.com Editors, 2019).

    After two marriages, 4 non-fiction books and his last self-help book, “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living” finally published in 1948, Carnegie died of Hodgkin’s disease at 66 years old on November 1, 1955. Despite his remarkably bountiful success, he lived simply and died simply. “I came into this world as a plain person and I want to go out that way” (Dale Carnegie A Man of Influence An A&E Biography, 1987). That Dale Carnegie, he gave so much to so many and yet he was one that didn’t need much. He never did.

    That was also the recurring theme throughout “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” do all that you can for others. It was a simple ask that reaps endless rewards.  The greatest leaders, like Alexander the Great or George Washington, were followed by people who would fight for them, die for them. Who is someone you would choose to follow, to fight for? Would it not be one of your beloved friends? That is why this book is so important to anyone wanting to become a good leader, because Carnegie understood that people would do anything for a good friend. I summarized and interpreted his book into the four following parts:

A leader must be careful with how to react to the thoughts and feelings of others. When they share something with you, be a good friend and welcome whatever they say with open arms. “Tendencies to judge and criticize other people’s offerings deter members from freely expressing creative ideas” (Borkowski & Meese, 2021, p. 322). Give recognition to what others plan to do as well as what they have done. Life's a stage and a good leader is like a proud parent, standing up and clapping when one of their own gives a darn good performance.

This was my favorite part of the book. It was like reliving those sweet moments when I knew someone had a crush on me. The way they smiled at me, said my name and listened to me intensely. That makes a lasting impact on someone; that makes someone feel really special. Letting others know that you like them, makes them feel confident and safe enough to like you back. That is how most relationships start. That is how a good leader can make others feel. “Executive charisma isn’t as much about you as about your effect on others and that comes not just from what you say and do but from what you don’t say and don’t do” (Benton, 2003, p. 153). 

Sometimes standing your ground and arguing becomes like ensuing civil war within your team and makes you less of a leader and more like a terrorist. Place your ego aside, not all battles reward it’s victor with golden riches. The best way to gain respect is to show respect, especially when it is logically and emotionally difficult. Carnegie writes that you should never say someone is wrong, “don't condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that” (Carnegie, 1988, p. 146). 

    A good leader helps the team realize their superpowers. “Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it- and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel” (Carnegie, 1988, p. 196). 

    Our textbook agrees with Mr. Carnegie and describes an influence tactic, by Kipnis, Schmidt, and Wilkinson, called ingratiation which “includes behaviors such as praising, politely asking, acting humble, making the other person feel important, and acting friendly” (Borkowski & Meese, 2021, p. 169) to non-aggressively get people to follow and want to do things for you. I used this tactic a lot on upper management when I needed them to do something for me. I would word my need into a suggestion, “do you think it’s a good idea to reorder supplies today as we are running very low?” Giving people the opportunity to be a hero, makes them act like a hero. It’s pretty powerful when you can have a team full of superheroes.

The wonderful world of “How to Make Friends and Influence People” has left me so inspired and delighted to know that I don’t need to possess anything extraordinary to get extraordinary results. Carnegie himself didn’t need much and neither do I. After putting this book down, I can take away a high set of standards that can be implemented into my career in healthcare. For patients and staff to feel satisfied, it is important to treat them the way they want to be treated, not how I believe they should be treated. And that starts with getting to know them. Getting to know their values, culture, strengths, weaknesses and goals. This book made me aware that when I am coming to other people, it is because I need something from them- not the other way around. Therefore, I need to be flexible, adaptive and fulfilling to some of their needs before they can deal with any of mine. I need to make sure that anyone who decides to follow me is benefitting from that journey. I need to continue letting my kindness and positivity shine through in everything I do. I want to help greatness grow and be a leader that can create safe and solid foundations to support even better and braver leaders that are sure to come. That would mark my success as a leader. I am now a proud owner of Dale Carnegie’s “How to Make Friends and Influence People” and I am glad it will accompany me for many years. It will be like a good old friend, reminding me that just because I put others first, doesn't mean I’m coming in last. It means I am not coming in alone; I am coming in followed.

References

Benton, D. A. (2003). Executive charisma. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill Book Company.

Biography.com Editors. (2019, April 15). Dale Carnegie. Retrieved October 30, 2020, from https://www.biography.com/writer/dale-carnegie

Borkowski, N., & Meese, K. A. (2021). Organizational Behavior in HEALTH CARE (4th ed.). Sudbury, MA: Jones and Bartlett.

Carnegie, D. (1988). How to Win Friends and Influence People. London, England: Cedar Books.

Dale Carnegie A Man of Influence An A&E Biography [Video file]. (1987). USA: A&E Biography. Retrieved October 28, 2020, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlNpveEIFps

Garner, D. (2011, October 05). Classic Advice: Please, Leave Well Enough Alone. Retrieved October 30, 2020, from https://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/05/books/books-of-the-times-classic-advice-please-leave-well-enough-alone.html